2018 has been a tricky year. And judging by my social media feeds, I am not the only one. While I feel that I have experienced tremendous growth as a person, but the teaching came with a very hefty price tag.
I’ve known for the last few years that something was missing from my life. I just had that nagging feeling that things weren’t the way the should be. Trying to pinpoint the cause would prove to be a tough road.
2018 was full of tough decisions and even tougher acceptances. My family was relatively healthy which was a relief because 2016 and 2017 had been a humdinger in the health department. No, 2018 was all about the emotions.
In March I started seeing a therapist. Things with my mother had reached a point where I felt I needed outside help. My stress and anxiety levels were at an all-time high. I was working a full-time job in a management position for an insurance company that was floundering, running a photography business and writing. While the writing and photography were the things I loved doing, the 9-5 was necessary. I hated it though. The everyday commute in traffic, dealing with issues that I felt I shouldn’t have to and to top it off, it was my mothers business.
My mom has been married to a man for the last decade plus, that is one of the only people I have met in my life that I actually hated. I mean every fiber of my being hated this man. A know it all, a braggart, a blowhard whatever you call it, it was all the qualities in a person I didn’t want to be around. And I wasn’t the only one. After years of trying to make the things work, it finally came to the point where he couldn’t come to family functions we were at.
Which was fine, except he also worked at my mother’s company. Needless to say when we had encounters at the office it was not pretty.
For a short time, I was led to believe my mom was going to leave him. But after a bunch of fabricated stories, she instead decided to adopt a baby with him. Why wouldn’t I end up in a therapist office?
After months of working with my therapist, I finally decided to leave her company. Of course, it didn’t go over like I would have hoped and we have little communication in the three months since I left. But to be fair, we weren’t talking much before I left.
After my son was born my relationship with my mom improved a little, we had a big fight when he was about two. Kind of worked it out, and then my daughter came. We then entered what I call a honeymoon phase. As a family, we spent a lot of time together. Now we don’t.
Recently my daughter asked why mom doesn’t come around. I fumbled around with the words, because what do you tell a five-year-old? As far she is concerned my mom is someone who buys her lots of Christmas presents or gets her something cool on her birthday.
So I did the best I could. I smiled and told her that my mom is still part of our family. And sometimes, although we may love our family, we aren’t really friends with them. I asked her if she understood and she said she did. I don’t know if what I said was right or not. It’s a crappy situation, how do you know? I am hoping that both my kids see how happier that I am now that I am no longer dealing with that situation. And my biggest hope is that it makes me a better mom.
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